


Life, Death, and the Eternal Torment of Chaotic Idiots

by kunsel



Category: Magicians of Aether and Earth
Genre: Canon LGBTQ Character, Chaotic Stupid Heather Fae, Chaotic Stupid Mara Hale, Crack Treated Seriously, Heather Fae is a Good Friend, Heroes to Villains, LGBTQ Themes, Mara Hale is a Good Friend, Multi, Multiple Crossovers, Past Lives, Reincarnation, Villains to Heroes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25158043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kunsel/pseuds/kunsel
Summary: Marareallywants to stop being reincarnated now. It was interesting the first time, now it's routine.
Relationships: Mara Hale & Heather Fae
Kudos: 2





	1. Ninjas But They're More Chaotically Stupid Than Usual

**Author's Note:**

  * For [heatherfae13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/heatherfae13/gifts).



> Mara & Heather: Kakashi & Obito from Naruto  
> Part one of ?

Mara wakes up and then decides to glare at a wall. It seems like a very productive use of her time. Really. 

It has nothing to do with the fact she just committed suicide, like, five seconds ago. Like, bullet to her brain. Seriously. That was the only real way to kill Andraste, so she killed Andraste. Yay and all that _but why the fuck was Mara alive?_

Oh, wait, is this the afterlife? Could Heather even _use_ Mara's spell in that case? Mara had accounted on limbo again because of a weird loophole. Afterlife was not good. Damn it! She'd spent so long getting Blaise and Heather together, for fuck's sake! She wasn't even going to see their wedding at this rate!

A light knock on the door before it opens and reveals a kind looking man with wrinkles around his eyes from stress. Mara blinks. The man laughs. "What'd the wall do to you, Kakashi?" he asks.

"It killed my hatchling," she deadpans.

He blinks. "Hatchling," he echoes.

"Like a snake," she agrees.

The man looks at her in bewilderment before laughing. "One day, you'll be a father," he says like it's a promise and wistful thing all at once. "And you'll understand just how weird you are, pup."

* * *

Since Mara is a death witch, she's fairly certain she's not actually dead. Which, in her opinion, is _fucked up, man._

How the hell was she supposed to be brought back to life if she wasn't dead! She was going to miss the Night Sky wedding after her and Emile and Honey spending _so long_ getting them together. How was that fair! Whatever. 

Anyway, it turned out that the man is actually her father, a man named Hatake Sakumo. He's nice, goes out on missions a lot, murders a bunch of people for a dictorial military state, and is super cool. He even takes the _I'm not a boy, I'm a girl_ thing in stride without even skipping a beat. Even if that statement wasn't true most of the time. She was sometimes none gender, left girl. 

But hey, he was nice. Even if he liked dogs better than snakes. He liked wolves too, so she _supposed_ he was cool.

"My cute little daughter is making such an angry face at the wall again," Dad sighs dramatically. 

"Well, the wall should stop killing my hatchlings," she states. 

"That mean wall," he agrees humorously. 

* * *

Dad says, "I have a surprise for you."

Mara looks at him dubiously, eyes his hands behind his back and guesses, "Is it a snake?"

He laughs and hands her a scroll. "No, I figured you like this better, though." Dad sits down on the engawa next to her and gestures for her to look at the scroll. 

"Paper, my favorite," she informs him sarcastically, but obediently opens the worn-feeling paper. The top of the scroll very proudly declares that it's a snake summoning scroll. Mara perks up immediately and says, without any trace of sarcasm, "Paper! My favorite!"

Dad laughs again, pulling her closer. "I know you said you're a girl and Kakashi's a boy's name, and I know you might not've decided on a name yet, but I figured..."

"Kakashi's only a boy's name if I'm a boy," she states. "But I'm not a boy, so it's a girl's name." Then Mara smiles up at him. "Duh."

He smiles, the wrinkles on his face crinkling and he cards his fingers through her strands of silver. They'd be good for dyeing, later. She wouldn't dump all of this on him so quickly, no matter how accepting he was. "How foolish of me," he agrees. Then, more of a amused look overtakes his face. "I do have some bad news, though." Mara looks at him questioningly. "You're not allowed to summon them before you're a genin."

One second. Two. " _What!?_ "

* * *

The joke is on both of them because Mara takes to chakra like a fish to water. Or how Emile took to blowing things up with his bubble bombs every second. The second one definitely suits her better, she thinks. He really didn't stop blowing things up. Someone should _try_ to control him.

As always, the thought of the Magicians and their combined chaotic idiocy never fails to make Mara melancholy.

Anyway, the point _is_ that Mara gets the contract three days before being enrolled in the Academy and graduates only a short month and a half later. Dad looks like he doesn't know what he expected.

"I'll have to bribe you with snakes if I can't get you to do something, then," he muses before ruffling Mara's hair, which has been grown out and pulled into a short ponytail. 

Mara perks up. "More snakes?"

Dad laughs. "Maybe, but you're only going to summon one."

She pouts. "Soon," Mara promises to the scroll. Dad laughs again. "Don't laugh, those snakes will be in my hands soon enough. Then I'll become Hokage from sheer cuteness. And also snakes." 

He hums, thoughtful, but then picks her up like she weighs nothing. Considering she's watched him once tear up a tree with his bare hands and then carry it across the yard, she really _must._ "And what will my future Hokage specialize in?"

"Snakes, obviously," she quips. "Iunno. Assassination, maybe." 

Y'know, for some reason Mara thought she'd be getting a reaction from him. Seriously, does his daughter switching from 'cute and innocent little girl' to 'tiny murder child soldier' not faze him? Damn it. She'll try a different approach next time.

"That would be a good idea with snake summons," he agrees instead of reacting. 

Mara frowns, a thought only just coming to her. "Hey Dad, where did you get the snake contract from anyway? I thought Orochimaru-sama had the only one."

He twitches slightly. "They sure do," he agrees.

She pauses, tries to parse the meaning of his words. "Wait. What did you do?"

"I don't think that's too important," he manages, sounding awkward.

"What, did you break into their house or something?"

"No, no, nothing like that. I'd tell you if it was that," he promises.

Mara freezes, looking at him with horror. "Dad. Did you... did you have..."

Dad looks at her, matching her expression with equal amounts of horror. "You're _five,_ how do you even know about sex?"

"I'm legally allowed to murder people, dad. I think that I would know about sex. I mean, honeypot missions exist and they _did_ talk about it—"

" _You know about honeypot missions?_ " 

"Duh? I'm a genin Dad, that's in the curriculum."

But he's already muttering something about 'Kakashi is so _tiny_ ,' and 'how dare they teach my cute little daughter about sex?' 

* * *

The snake she summons is very tiny, so she keeps him in her scarf for a while and puts him under a heat lamp when they're home. She talks sometimes to him and gently pets his head.

Dad thinks it's adorable. He's probably _right,_ but Mara won't admit it. She's fairly certain that it's banned for someone to acknowledge they're adorable at five.

"Can you speak snake yet?" Dad asks once. 

"A little. I think he said his name was Mamu." She shrugs. A little hiss comes from her scarf. "It's Mamu." 

"He does look like a Mamushi," Dad muses. 

Silence. "Did you—"

"You're not allowed to know about sex."

* * *

"Dad, I murdered a councilor."

Dad picks up his head and looks back at her, staring. "Kakashi, you're my daughter, and I love you—"

"He was trying to kidnap me."

"I'll tell the Hokage. Try not to murder any other councilors, _please._ " 

"That's no fun, but okay," Mara says disappointedly. Dad at least looks somewhat amused.

And that was how Mara accidentally put an end to an illegal organization. And kekkei genkai theft. And kidnapping. And human experimentation. And brainwashing. And treason. And literal terrorism. Dad actually looks proud, but it's a lot less than if Mara had _meant_ to do it. 

"This kind of thing wouldn't happen if _I_ was the Hokage," Mara mutters when she tags along with Dad one day. 

"You wouldn't have any councilors if you were the Hokage."

"They're bad councilors and power hungry jerks." 

Dad doesn't even refute that, so Mara's totally right. "Besides," she adds, "not like the system _works._ Democracy is better than dictatorship." 

He huffs out a laugh and then says, "Enough borderline treason for now." He taps her ankle and then lowers her to the ground just a block away from the Hokage tower. "We'll discuss the pros and cons of different governing styles later. Right now, we have to meet with incompetent people in power." Dad pauses and then looks back at her. "Don't tell anyone I said that."

"Don't worry, I'll tell people I said that."

Unfortunately, the whole process is very boring. Mara has to repeat the same sentences, like, eight times until she gets tired of it and starts making blatantly false claims to completely outlandish statements. They sat a five year old down to bore her to death. Of course said five year old would get bored and start doing things for a reaction. She's _five._

Mara will ignore the fact that she is actually over twenty now to go for the fact that her current body is five. Yes, it's a low hanging fruit; no, she doesn't care. Take that, _gods._

The Hokage, incompetent bastard that he is, seems to get a kick out of her wildly outlandish statements. 

* * *

He's so amused, in fact, that he promotes her. To chuunin. 

She's not sure why Dad looks completely resigned to her meteoric ascent through the ranks.

Then she remembers the deal about snakes. Three more for chuunin. Four snakes in total. Y'know, maybe the deal isn't so bad. Especially when it gets her _more snakes._

She can't wait until tokujo. She's going to get six more then. Twelve if she gets jounin in the same go.

Mara rests her head on her dad's leg until he looks down at her. "More snakes?" she asks. 


	2. Arson is a Good Bonding Experience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mara & Heather: Kakashi & Obito from Naruto  
> Part two of ?

So Mara's new main problem was that she has no jounin sensei and only got promoted because she _may have_ panicked. The jury was still out on that one. Maybe they'd come back from recess, but maybe not. Who knew?

Anyway, the problem was that she was essentially isolated from the rest of the shinobi community due to her dad and the fact she'd murdered Shimura Danzou. Then she was isolated from the civilian community because of the same reasons but mostly because she was flat out weird. At least she didn't have that problem with the shinobi. All shinobi were weird. It's in the job description and the coping mechanisms for their sustained trauma, but _definitely_ in the job description.

And half of the people that wanted to have her on their team were condescending asshats, bootlickers, or greedy people. Their teams either lacked a spot or hated her on the basis that she was apparently better than them.

So far, not so good.

Then, when all hope seemed lost, a blond guy with bright blue eyes said, "I heard you like snakes, right? I'm a toad summoner, so I suppose we'll get along just fine! Would you like to be my apprentice?" Which didn't actually have anything to do with why Mara decided to accept his offer, it was mostly because he reminded her of Circe a little bit.

Man, she misses Aunt Circe. And Dean Nightningale. And Lilith. And the Mrs. Hummels. And the Faes. And the Caroles. And the—everyone, really. Nothing she could do about it now. Or then. 

On another note entirely, she wonders if it'd be a normal thing to do if she could just... do the Heather thing, where she sat down with someone and they bonded over their love of snakes and makeup and swiftly became friends. Even though Mara was _trying_ to be rivals that day, but _nooo,_ Heather fucking Fae just had to be the shounen protagonist. Bullshit. Regardless, shinobi should be weird enough to be able to make friends that way.

Probably.

* * *

Dad comes home from shopping and Mara is covered in snakes. Most are babies and two are adults. Apparently, Mara's also a hatchling so she can't watch the hatchlings by herself.

They stare at one another awkwardly when Kaga hisses quietly before slithering over to Dad, slithering over to his ankle and then rubbing her face on his leg. Kaga hisses again before Dad leans down and offers a hand to Kaga. Kaga hisses happily before slithering into his hand and perches on his thumb. Kaga is still very tiny right now, so she can get away with the cute things. Kaga's father, Nishi, says, "Oh, how adorable! You must be our hatchling summoner's father!"

Black eyes look up to Mara exasperatedly. "Yes, that would be me," he agrees. "It's an honor to meet you, my name is Hatake Sakumo." 

Nishi hisses. "It's an honor to meet you as well. I am Nishi, Kaga's father." Then Nishi sticks his tongue out to scent Dad, then gives a very happy hiss. "Ah, a wolf summoner! Good, good, I'd been worried you'd been a prey summoner rather than predator. The hatchlings are very precocious right now, it'd be an awful situation all around."

Dad quickly doesn't mind the snakes as he and Nishi bond over their shared fatherhood with less than normal children.

Mara doesn't even think she can be offended.

* * *

Mara is training near the Academy when an Uchiha boy starts to simply stare at her.

She doesn't care, not _really,_ he's not the first or the last person to stare at her training. Most are adults with their tiny children in tow or shinobi who are either genin or chuunin and envious or jounin and reluctantly impressed. They don't know she's cheating by being a genius or a prodigy or whatever they're calling her now, it doesn't really matter, especially since _nobody_ would find out. It was genius. Regardless, the Uchiha plops down onto the fence and watches her train until sweat starts to bead on her forehead, under her hitai-ate. 

The Uchiha says, "You're really good, Hatake-chan." 

"Thank you, Uchiha-kun," she replies as politely as she can. Uchiha are Uchiha, after all. "I'm sure you're no slouch yourself."

The Uchiha laughs nervously and she glances over to him, curious but trying not to be outwardly so. They can get offended by smaller things rather than bigger ones. "Ah, did you come here to train, Uchiha-kun? Or for a spar, perhaps?"

Almost immediately, his hands get raised in a placating way, nervous laughter no longer present. "There's no need for that, I'm—I'm really not that good of a shinobi."

Mara stares for a moment. "You're... not here because of politics," she says.

He blinks, stares back at her and then agrees, "No? I'm not too popular in my clan, you know, they wouldn't ask me to get you to be an ally or whatever it is." He shrugs. "Politics this time around are more confusing than the last." The sentence is said with such a casual tone and easy manner that Mara is almost tempted to overlook it.

She does anyway, because it would be rude to just question that kind of thing with someone she just met, no matter how interested in information she is. Maybe she should become an assassin-spy instead. As it is, Mara just agrees, "Yeah, you're telling _me._ " She shakes her head. "At least you won't have to take part in them any time soon." 

Suddenly, Mara realizes she hasn't introduced herself. "I forgot to introduce myself, huh? I'm Hatake Kakashi." 

The Uchiha blinks and then flushes slightly in embarrassment. "I'm Uchiha Obito."

"Did you want help?" she repeats. "I don't mind, since I don't have to meet with my sensei until tomorrow." 

"That... would be nice, actually. Thank you." 

* * *

Dad asks, "Where were you all day?" 

Mara grins ear to ear and answers, "I made a new friend. He's bad at being a shinobi." Then she summons Nishi and curls up on the couch.

Dad blinks slowly, looking at her like she's gone insane. "Right," he says, only sounding faintly worried. "Who's this friend of yours?" 

"This is Nishi, Dad," she informs him blithely. Then Mara shrugs and says, "Her name's Uchiha Obito. Probably."

"Probably." Dad gives her a very unimpressed look.

"Yeah, she mentioned that Obito was too boyish for her so she's going to change it, but she's not sure what to."

And then Mara smiles as Dad ruffles her hair in relief. He worries about her falling prey to politics too much. Mara knows her way around the block, there's really no need.

Besides, the Magic Runner was here now.

* * *

"Boo," says Mara, "light something on fire." 

"I'm gonna light _you_ on fire, Hale, _Magus so help me—_ "

"You need Magus's help to light me on fire?" she says. "Lame. I believe in you. Commit your arson-filled dreams!" 

Heather shoots her a glare with too-dark eyes. 

"I don't feel enough heat from that gaze, Magic Runner!" Mara announces, Mamu winding out of her scarf to see what the commotion is about. When there's nothing interesting due to the lack of Heather not setting anything on fire, Mamu ducks back in to take a nap. 

" _How do I do it?_ " she shouts.

"I don't know!" chirps Mara happily. "It'll be fun once you do it, though!" She's right because who doesn't love a bit of arson? Idiots, that's who.

And also Dad, but Mara can't exactly group him in with the 'idiots' pile.

Was still lame though, don't get her wrong. He's _her_ dad, after all.

Mara watches Heather get so frustrated and go through the hand signs, take a deep breath in, and Mara half-expects her to just blow out the air again.

But no.

Heather shoots a fucking firey jet of doom from her mouth.

Mara cheers loudly, " _FUCK YEAH, ARSON, BABY!_ "


End file.
